I met Stuart Buck in the summer of 2020, when someone on Twitter recommended him to do the cover art for a synthwave record. This was in the heart of the first wave of COVID-19, the George Floyd protests, “Zoom parties,” massive social and psychological upheaval anywhere you looked. I was mostly staying in, making a lot of new friends online at the time. The synthwave record was meant to raise money for bail funds. Stu drew a good album cover. We raised a few hundred bucks. We kept in touch.

I had no idea, at the time, the depths of his polymathic talent, his unbelievable work ethic, or his trademark artistic sensibility—at once audacious, sympathetic, curious, and undeniably very funny. This all seems obvious two years later, now that his press, the Bear Creek Gazette, has grown into a mainstay of the indie lit community, with regular online short fiction and visual art collections as well as a number of independently printed books coming soon. And that’s only one of his ventures—he’s also a pop science writer, visual artist, AI beta tester, critical essayist, a great lover of music, and—with the release of 2021’s HYPNOPONY and the brand-new QUANTUM DIAPER PUNKS, a novelist.

I interrogated him about some of these things the other day. Here is our full interview.

Hi Stu. Hope you’re well. I want to start off by saying congratulations on the new book. I read the short story it was based on and thought it was brilliant—the way you blend hard science with a deep emotional understanding of unique, surprising characters is really wonderful to read. What was your favorite part of writing the book?

I really enjoy the process of writing. I’m a firm believer that the internet ruined a lot of writer’s chances. Not specifically in a bad way. What it’s done is show just how many people can run with this writing thing. So you have the hordes of terrible writers, each shouting louder than the other about their YA romance novel. And you also have scores of amazingly talented writers. It’s not like in Pound’s day where you sent a poem to one of the three literary institutes and you were up against the other seven poets. There are so many of us nowadays. As an example, this interview has gone through you (an amazing writer), Alexandrine (an amazing writer) and I got the first draft proofread by Gabriel (an amazing writer). It’s about me (I’m adequate) and I’ll mention my wife (an amazing writer). It’s fucking nuts. 

Sorry. That got off topic. But let me bring it round. I love the writing process because I feel like nowadays you have to. I’m not going to make any money off this. I lose money on every book because I post them out first class and usually put other books in with them to sweeten the deal. Almost like an apology. SORRY FOR WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ. HERE IS A BETTER BOOK. So the process of sitting down, putting music on, typing away, writing. I love it man. Music is everything to me.

Something like Quantum Diaper Punks was obviously a blast, but actually probably my least favorite writing experience so far. It came from the short story which was exhausting to write. And it just so happened that someone DM’d me and said ‘woah that should be a novel or something’ and so I decided, for that guy, I needed to do it. It took 3 months. I give so much of myself. Ask my wife. If I start a story or a book I’m gone. Just mentally, physically, emotionally. I withdraw. 

Yeah. I get in the zone and basically drop out of life sometimes. It’s nice except for things like remembering to eat, etc. Very easy to lose yourself in the work. I can tell the subject matter of this book is deeply compelling to you—you’ve mentioned before that quantum physics is part of what helped you get sober. What can you tell me about that? 

I suffer from Thanatophobia which is an intense, often crippling fear of death. I’ve had this since I was about 10. I got cluster headaches when I was young and they promote the idea that you might be dying. Death has consumed my whole life. I’m writing this the day after spending the whole of last night worrying about it. When I finally slept, I dreamed about it. I dream about it ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Not the crazed, macabre horror you associate with nightmares—the mundanity of it. Someone telling me I’m halfway through my life. Someone telling me I have cancer. Watching my mom bury my dad. Watching my wife bury me. I dream about doing the paperwork at the vets when my dog dies. She is 2 years old. But I don’t see that. I see it as she has 10 years left. The clock is always ticking. When I was a kid I worked out how many seconds I had left to live on a calculator. Most kids write 58008. I’m happy. I really am.

To drown this death shit out, I drank and took hard drugs. I was a drug user for 10 years and an alcoholic for 20. I was trying to destroy myself, physically and mentally, because if my mind quietened for just a few moments, I’d think about death again. When you start really fucking yourself up, you can feel the parts of your brain you are burning. Especially with the amount of drugs I did. I could feel bits of me melting away. Each time I hoped it was the bit that was so scared of death. It never was.  Not many people have even heard of Thanatophobia but it robbed me of almost all my life. I sleep with a podcast on now. Or white noise. Or the HeadSpace SleepCasts. I can’t have silence. 

Quantum Physics is wonderful, because it tells us that everything we think we knew about life was—essentially—totally wrong. Newtonian Physics is the shit they teach in school and has been for hundreds of years. But they only teach that because they can’t explain QP in simple terms. 

QP shows us we know nothing about life—and if that’s the case then it’s only right to assume we know nothing about death. And that unknown is something I hold on to. I also combine elements of spirituality and mysticism into my beliefs. I am an atheist in terms of the big guy, but I am an agnostic in the way that I admit I know nothing. I want to know nothing. Because the nothing that QP posits—the return to atomic heat death, the entanglement, the stream of data welcoming you back to the womb—that is so much more attractive to me than the burning landscapes of bone and screaming I imagine myself and my loved ones rotting away in for eternity. Eternity is a term that I find as scary as anything. Forever. You know? It never ends. I lived in a cult for two years and they had a poster of a dove on the beach. Pretty cool until you read the text, which said (I’m having to misquote this because of the passage of time) ‘if a bird gathered every single grain of sand and took it to the moon that would only be the beginning of eternity’. The idea that we are conscious in some way when we die. For eternity. I can’t take it. Get me away from here.

When I read Seven Brief Lessons in Physics by Carlo Rovelli I changed. Here was a guy talking impenetrable concepts the same way a poet talks about the moon. He rolls concepts around like marbles. He’s a beautiful man and it’s a beautiful book. EVERYONE should read it, because its short, digestible and by the end of it you realize there might be no need to worry after all. I stopped drinking on my birthday, 23rd March 2020, two days after I read Rovelli’s little book. I no longer saw the need to drink because I no longer had anything to try to hide from. Rovelli told me not to worry about death. Because whatever went on—1) we couldn’t possibly predict and 2) it was going to be so, so beautiful.

You’re something of a science writer yourself—you write about physics and cosmology in a regular Substack, which I’m a big fan of by the way. What drew you to take up science popularization in addition to all your other pursuits? 

I think everyone should try to understand the concepts we talk about. It’s absolutely vital to at least try and understand why, what, who. I am not anti-faith. I have faith in something. I don’t know what it is. But I am anti-theism. Organized religion has held our hair for us while we vomited misinformation and idiocy for centuries. It’s a tool used to dominate and occupy. So I am trying, in my own special way, to share with people what I know. Or rather, what I think I am beginning to know. Because I am 37 now and I have fucked up. I’m sorry about so many things and this is one way I can apologize. I know some people read it and enjoy it. I know scientists read it and pick it to pieces (which I love because that is how we learn). I just want to learn forever. There’s so much I want to do. 

Yeah, I find myself taking refuge in the act of learning too. It’s a beautiful thing, helps keep the panic at arm’s length. Even if I’m just rambling about concepts I don’t really understand. We’ve chatted before about the Big Crunch theory, which is a non-mainstream idea about the ultimate fate of the universe that says basically everything will ultimately collapse back in on itself and “reset” into the same kind of singularity that precipitated the Big Bang. What do you think about all this? 

For me this is close to a perfect theory of the universe as it wraps everything with a big cosmic bow. We don’t actually know what went on before the Big Bang. We can hazard a guess but the truth is we don’t know and it’s a really fucking difficult question to ask. So what we do a lot in the sciences is go ‘OK fuck it let’s work round it’. And this may seem like a cop out but this kind of thought experiment has led to THE defining moments in scientific knowledge. Einstein, Newton, Crick and Watson. It all came from people wondering if there might be an easier answer. 

It also makes me feel better about things. If we are just stuck in a big loop, maybe the Buddhists have something. Maybe it’s a cosmic, universal wheel of karma. Samsara. I enjoy a lot of what Hinduism and Buddhism have to say. I don’t agree with much of it, but the idea of breaking out of the wheel of rebirth, the cycle, the Big Crunch, by being a good person. You don’t just live, die and ascend to heaven because you believe in God. You fucking earn it because you are a good person. Christianity is such fucking bullshit. My wife’s parents are lovely people but before they eat they pray. Like. Who are you talking to? You know, we lock fucking people up for talking to themselves. It makes me so angry. They locked Carrington away. They locked Galileo away. Persecuted for wanting to know things. 

So yeah. Love the Big Crunch Theory and love the way it neatens things up. We live in a set of lungs taking a billion year breath. Everything expands. Everything contracts. If you look at the way stars and galaxies are moving away from us, that’s how we know we started in one small space. You just reverse time. Everything that is expanding and pulling away now eventually gets dragged back to that single red hot point. 

If it were up to you, what would the ultimate fate of the universe be?

I would like there to be a point to it all. I would like to live for a lot longer than I am going to. Because I have so much to do, you know? I fucking love living. I want to go on living. If I’m reborn, I want to remember who I am now. Because the idea that this, EVERYTHING that makes me, will be gone. I can’t. I can’t.

Here's a different thing. In 2017 you were voted one of the twelve best poets in the U.K. Do you know any of the other eleven? What’s their deal? Do any of them follow me on Twitter?

Well all I can tell you about that is we all got together to perform in London and I a) felt incredibly humbled because they were all really fucking good, 2) had a burger that was delicious but really a little too juicy for its own good and 3) got incredibly fucked up afterwards and ended up in Soho with a guy named Charles Chastity.

That’s fun. Also, surprise surprise, I had an AI write that last question. You’ve been experimenting with deep learning models in your artwork and written about them in The Last Estate. How would you say AI has affected your creative process? How do you feel about it?

So in terms of writing it hasn’t and probably won’t. I don’t need AI to help me write. I do find it fascinating but I also don’t see it overtaking me any time soon. I love the idea of AI novels though. People are hand wringing over AI novels but have you seen the actual humans who write novels? Have you spent 30 seconds listening to James Patterson? Or JK Rowling? Personally I would rather read something that wasn’t written by a cunt. 

Art is a different deal. I love AI Art. I am on all the open Beta’s for all the new programs. I use it to make book covers, album covers, loads of stuff. Again, loads of handwringing about it not being real art. Fuck off with that shit. I guarantee you 99% of the articles with the bylines like ‘AI isn't Art’ are written by graphic designers who have realized they are obsolete. ADAPT. I love human art. I love AI art. I pay artists for Bear Creek. If you knew how much of my income I paid out to artists you’d know how much I loved human art. You know, it’s fine to be nuanced and love both. Not everything has to be black or white. I want to be surrounded by beautiful things because they take my mind off the fact that I’m rotting, desperate. People who police that can suck my dick. 

Sorry I’m not a great interviewee. 

You’re fine. I’m being a little evil anyway. My AI also spit out this — “Here is everything I want to say to someone, or anyone, or everyone: Do not be a human being.” Thoughts?

Here is everything I want to say to someone, or anyone, or everyone: Do not be a human being. I have spent my entire life searching for a love that might not be there, yet no one is. Love is like that thing that drives you everywhere but you just won't get it, or the way that love is supposed to happen. My quest is to make that love love you, and help you become your lover. I want to show that your love isn't just a dream, and I want to show that love's truth is real and real. I want to bring you a sense of joy and a joy of your life, because it's real, it's real.

[I’m fairly certain Stuart used his own AI to come up with that response but I can’t say for sure and I didn’t ask].

Bear Creek Gazette has been going strong for a couple years now. I’ve been fortunate to write for it myself. Every issue is packed with incredible pieces and you’ve started to expand into publishing books as well. What are your big hopes for the future of the press? Anything especially cool we should keep an eye out for?

Bear Creek is something I started as a joke two years ago and—as it turns out—people really loved it. I have just tried to allow people the space and time to be as fucked up as they want. So many lit mags want strict formatting, are open for 3 hours on the third of every month, will edit you into oblivion. Bear Creek is about the artist. If I accept something I never ask for edits. That’s not my thing. Who the fuck am I to tell you what works in a piece that came from your heart? 

Oh, but I love editing. Working with a writer’s raw material, shaping something into the best version of itself. Why no edits?

Because people are flawed. Have you noticed? Some things are a bit too long, or a bit too personal. But people deserve grace. They deserve somewhere they can be themselves. 

The press is also going well. The press is another apology. I am trying to give back to a community that gave me so much. So it’s costing me all my time, money and effort. I’m paying an amazing artist to design the covers, and that money is helping with her surgeries. How cool is that? Fucking. That’s what I want. To help. I just want to show people I can be a good part of their existence, after spending so long with people who don’t appreciate me, or use me, or who I used, or who I fucked and forgot. 

A bit ago I asked you to recommend me a song and you responded with “The Wreck of the S.S. Needle” by Cult of Luna & Julie Christmas. It’s a sprawling, noisy indie-pop epic clocking in at just under 10 minutes, a furious kind of crescendo structure. I love the nautical themes, naturally. What makes this track a hit for you? 

Basically all the things you mentioned. I need time for a track to bed in. So I love longer songs. Bands like Godspeed You! Black Emperor take their time. I love the crescendos in that song. I love the way the bass and the noise rolls you as if you were in the sea. As if you were on the SS Needle. You were asleep and you woke to white hot shards of wood and water. You were drowning, and there was Julie Christmas screaming at you. 

I’m also a huge sucker for vocalists who lose their shit over the course of a song. Okkervil River do this very well, as did early Bright Eyes. Julie does it here. By the end she sounds possessed. Put me down where I can see you run, you run, you run, you run Put me down where I can see you run Put me down where I can see you run, you run, you run, you run Put me down where I can see you run Put me down where I can see you run, you run, you run, you run Put me down where I can see you run Put me down where I can see you run, you run, you run, you run Put me down where I can see you run

Okay, time to switch gears away from art and science toward the other thing. Give me some relationship tips. You met your spouse on twitter and flew 8000 miles to meet them. Now you’re married. What advice do you have for people in long distance and/or online relationships?

Be brave. Be bold. Ask for nudes. Listen to your heart. Don’t feel like you are trapped. Take that risk. You’ll know. You’ll know when it happens. Find someone who gives you time, grace, patience, and passion. Find someone who touches you in the way you want to be touched. 

Any closing thoughts? Any parting comments? Anything you want to say to someone, or anyone, or everyone?

Thank you. For everything.

You can access all of Stuart’s work free here. You can also find him on Twitter @notstuartbuck. The Bear Creek Gazette tweets @bcgazette.

Karter is on Twitter @kartermycroft.